President George W. Bush assured Americans that the economy is "just dandy" today while speaking at a convention for the homeless in New Orleans. Bush pointed to a variety of statistics that show what he called "teeny tiny drops" as only minor concerns.
While many of the presidential candidates have been saying that America is worse off than it was eight years ago, the President retorted that "things are pretty darn good around here." He noted that no one in his family has missed a meal, and that his servants are mostly overweight, "so they must be eating alright."
"Heck," Bush continued, "look at all the fat people down here in Louisiana. How bad can it be?" Mega-star Kanye West, who happened to be at the same event, spoke up immediately, saying: "George Bush doesn't care about fat people!" Bush rushed to greet West and agreed.
In a recent presidential debate, even the Republicans said that things were better back in 2000. Ron Paul went further, saying life was much better "before Roosevelt dumped the Constitution." While there was some question about whether he meant Teddy or FDR, no one really cares what Paul says anyway. Mitt Romney also expressed concern about economic decline. "Back in the Clinton years, I made hundreds of millions. Now under Bush I've only made tens of millions, and most of that was graft."
Even John McCain pointed to economic concerns, but admitted he doesn't know anything about the economy since he's never had a job outside of government. But he did insist that if we keep spending taxpayer money overseas that it will make things better.
Bush said he was disappointed that the Republican candidates don't appreciate all he's done for the economy. "Shoot, they all seem to be okay. Don't know what they're complaining about."