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Friday, 1 February 2008

image for Spears seeks second opinion from celeb docs
No Ms Spears, I wear the coat and the stethoscope

As Britney Spears was ushered into UCLA Medical Hospital on Thursday, she said she appreciated Dr. Phil McGraw's counsel during her previous mental breakdown, but would be seeking a second opinion from other A-List celebrity doctors getting good buzz these days.

Spears said Dr. Phil was all "warm and fuzzy" during their early-January visit, but he "really didn't seem to know what he was talking about."

"I know all about crazy, and he wasn't making any sense," Spears said. "In fact, I think he was the one crying out for help."

For starters, Spears said she will seek out doctors James Dobson and Laura Schlessinger, a pair of conservative practitioners who might offer some better insight into her loopy condition. Spears was hospitalized in early January after a child-custody dispute with ex-husband Kevin Federline resulted in a standoff with police.

"Regular doctors can treat regular people, but not stars," Spears said. "I need a star doctor who has a popular TV show, published several books or is syndicated in many newspapers.

"I'm not your average kook. I need a firm hand."

Dr. Dobson gives practical advice on marriage and child-rearing, two of Spears' most-glaring weaknesses, although no doctor can cure what ails her latest album and stage act. Dr. Schlessinger's strong suit is bashing contemporary society, particularly the country's moral failings. Spears said she knows her Hollywood friends will turn up their noses at her choice of celeb doctors, but maybe it's time to get help from "a different kind of media-hound doctor."

"There's no telling what I might do next," Spears said. "I mean, look at my sister Jamie Lynn. We're both a pair of crackpots."

Dobson and Schlessinger both indicated they were licking their chops to get at the Spears sisters. But if Britney Spears doesn't like what she hears from that pair of chastisers, she may just turn to TV-talkshow hosts for advice, such as chatterboxes Ellen DeGeneres, Tyra Banks and The View crew. Another alternative is to lure know-it-alls Phil Donahue and Bill Cosby off the sidelines for a session or two.

"Worst-case scenario, I'll call Dog the Bounty Hunter and see what he has to say," Spears said. "I kinda like it when he captures a fugitive and he sets him straight on their ride to jail. I wish my dad would've handcuffed me at an early age."

Spears said she might also ask jet-setting lamebrain Paris Hilton for some guidance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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