Written by Wire Piddle
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Thursday, 31 January 2008

image for Much of America in Deep Freeze

Severe thunderstorms, tornadoes, blizzards and whiteouts encouraged by a drop in temperatures that, in some areas, plummeted by 50 degrees, has put much of the United States in a deep freeze.

Sven Turgeson, meteorologist for the National Weather Service in St. Paul, Minnesota put it succinctly when he remarked, "It's so cold, the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets."

1,500 workers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota were either sent home early or billeted in local hotels in order to be close to patients. One nurse, Frieda Gunderson said, "It's so cold my patient went outside for a smoke and her smoke rings bounced."

Many have been taking drastic measures to keep warm during the cold snap.

In Williston, North Dakota, the mayor was actually caught sleeping with his own wife. Local officials immediately declared a state of emergency. And at a federal prison in upstate Wyoming, prisoners were caught taking turns in the electric chair.

Meanwhile in California, the cold front has made it's way even into Beverly Hills, sparking a run on undergarments and a brisk business in sewing gel pack hand warmers into bras in an effort to prevent silicone implants from freezing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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