Osama Bin Laden is expected to endorse Hillary Rodham Clinton as the Democratic presidential candidate today. The world's chief terrorist is rumored to favor Clinton because "she'll terrorize America in ways I never thought of."
The endorsement could be the quirky Bin Laden's most-heinous act yet. He is said to have orchestrated the September 11 suicide missions, then eluded capture for almost seven years by ducking into his network of hideouts that include Afghanistan caves and a shotgun house in forgotten, post-Katrina New Orleans that law enforcement has abandoned.
Bin Laden insiders have said for months that he's been looking to make a final splash before retiring to Miami Beach. Al Qaeda's power has been weakened and losing focus for some time now. Most of its operatives in the United States have lost interest in suicide bombings and concentrate on "annoyances."
"Look, I'm a single dad," Musha Smith-Muhammad said. "I've got two jobs, I'm taking a yoga class, I cook, I clean, the kids are screaming. I would like nothing better than to blow myself up, but who's got time to build a bomb?
"I'm doing well to kick over a trash can and let the garbage spill out so pedestrians have to walk around it. Leave me alone already, OK?"
When traffic lights go out, potholes develop or long lines form, Al Qaeda's public relations firm, Janzen Brothers of New York, is quick to say its client is responsible.
"We get kinda tired of trumpeting these minor successes, but it is what it is," a Janzen Brothers spokesman said. "Al Qaeda's lost its steam, so we've given the account to a junior partner. Maybe the Clinton endorsement will get Bin Laden some press."
Bin Laden is said to have considered throwing his terrorist heft behind Barack Obama, who some claim is a Muslim. But Obama is gaining popularity among middle Americans and, should he be elected in November, could be a more-difficult adversary for Bin Laden. However, Clinton is the third-most despised figure in America behind George W. Bush and Bin Laden, and Bin Laden's tangy endorsement of her would be like passing the baton to a teammate.
Bin Laden's announcement is expected before the Super Tuesday primaries rather than after, so it doesn't look like he's jumping on the bandwagon if Clinton scores big that day. If Clinton falters on Super Tuesday and then he endorses her, it'll look like he's out of touch and senile.
"He's not dumb," the Janzen Brothers spokesman said. "He's trying to get the most bang for his buck."