President Bush's last State of the Union address is expected to be heavy on acrimony, blame and finger-pointing, and will likely avoid such touchy subjects as the economy and war whenever humanly possible.
The President's speech will air live and worldwide, with most networks providing subtitles on their English-speaking channels. Coverage begins at 8 p.m. or whenever the president stops mumbling and starts talking.
Bush is expected to announce "unprecedented changes" in the way lawmakers are paid by providing a complete list of congressmen and senators on the take. This has understandably caused quite a stir in certain congressional circles. Bush is expected to personally join in the fray by offering to "meet behind the White House" with any congressmen who object to losing their hitherto White House endorsed cash cows.
The Texan president has strong feelings about cows, says White House spokesperson Tiffany Jones, who previously held the position of Oval Office cleaning lady but drew the short straw for spokesman of the last leg in the Bush administration. White House interest in chickens is, of course, already well documented. That cock and bull affinity, if true, may also explain President Bush's expected signing of what may prove to be a very expensive and unpopular executive order, sure to provide great difficulties for any incoming administration.
Spokesperson Jones confirms that the president plans to sign an executive order to have undercover men in black 'ear tag' all "left-wingers, commies, fairies, Hillary sympathizers and Mensa members", effective immediately. The order will direct all government law-making agencies to "ignore all list-making of suspect citizens done by previous unnamed administrations" in favor of this new, improved procedure. It "works real good on stray-happy cattle back home", Ms. Jones reports the president as saying, and it therefore has his full confidence.
But the truth may be less savory.
President Bush actually believes that "if people are worthy of American citizenship, they are worthy of federal blacklisting", says an anonymous White House infiltrator recently ousted from the Clinton campaign.
Speaking from the shadows and between doughnuts, the unnamed but familiar full-figured man told reporters that the president's rumored determination to veto all spending bills is "the biggest fairy's tale he's ever seen" and blames award-winning news reporter Tragic Rabbit for the mix-up.
"Gimme a break," the nameless infiltrator adds, noting it to be far more likely that the current president will avidly endorse his own executive order, along with any congressional spending bills that further this new ear-tagging agenda.
Other sources support this view, with anonymous reports coming in hourly of black-suited men in dark sunglasses roaming Washington with handfuls of cattle tags and stun guns. Democrats have been quick to point out, though, that over half of the names on the approved ear-tagging list were provided by senator and GOP presidential candidate John McCain. This essentially indicates, they say, bipartisan support for ear-tagging.
While White House sources today confirm widespread fears of an "intelligence gap" that is sure to follow the end of the current presidency in 2009, they refused to comment on just which administration, the incoming or outgoing, would provide that gap.
Still, rumors abound.
An alleged GOP presidential hopeful, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, initially fired back by claiming that, if there were another terrorist attack, the White House would be to blame, but shortly afterwards could not be found for comment. His remarks cannot therefore be confirmed until his current whereabouts are discovered.
But the majority of Bush's address will focus on ignoring the same issues ignored in all his previous State of the Union addresses-namely, the economy, war, global warming and proper pronunciation.
The president spent all weekend at the White House rehearsing his speech with the help of presidential aides, linguistic specialists, speech therapists, and his mom.
Downplaying unrealistic expectations, senior aides say the 42-minute speech runs about 42 minutes longer than they'd like, and could use a few more tweaks.
Tragic Rabbit, USA Tomorrow, Washington