WASHINGTON, P.C. - While taking time from running the free world and torturing babies just for fun, President Bush confessed to reporters that he warrantlessly eavesdrops on everyday citizens "just to keep in touch with the people."
Thousands have been wiretapped for the president's listening pleasure, including sixteen year old Jamie Lynn Spears. "I had to find out if she really was pregnant," Bush stated. "The tabloids are okay, but there's nothing like hearing it with your own ears. Also I learned that she picked up a really awesome purse at the mall and posted two new pictures of her dog on MySpace."
Britney Spears commented, "The media seems to be fascinated with me and my sister, so it's only natural that our president would share a sense of enthusiasm for our very significant and newsworthy lives."
Reese Trainingorder, editor of Entertain Mint Weekly was saddened by Bush's free ticket to Spears' conversations, concerned it would cut into her business. "What use does Mr. Bush have for a subscription to our publication anymore?" she inquired. "And what if he starts leaking news before us? It's unfair to compete against that."
Many have been the focus of George W. Bush's Lord-of-the-Rings-like giant ear, like video store clerk Noah Trakschun. The wiretapping became almost a daily habit, revealing one riveting tidbit after another. "The greatest installment in [Noah's] adventures," said the president, "was the call when he finally revealed his opinion on whether Xbox 360 or Playstation 3 is a better system. I was waiting months for his recommendation. And I can't wait to find out his pick for all time greatest Sci-Fi film. Whatever am I going to do in the meantime? There's always governing the nation... I guess," he said with a bit of bitterness in his voice.