Written by Kid Savage
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Topics: Hillary Clinton

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

A day after she took a thumping in the South Carolina Democratic primary, Hillary Rodham Clinton emerged with a gold-capped tooth and claimed she was black.

"My people have suffered long enough," she said. "I ax ya'll to vote for me."

Clinton has already played the Crying Card going into the New Hampshire primary, where she got choked up and shed a few crocodile tears. Apparently that was enough to sway women and the undecideds into voting for her, temporarily halting the juggernaut of popular African-American challenger Barack Obama.

Critics said they expected some kind of Clinton stunt after South Carolina, but not the Race Card, at least not this early in primary season.

Clinton bristled when a reporter doubted her black heritage.

"I think you should ask Mr. Obama about his heritage since he doesn't look that black to me," she said. "He looks tan."

To prove her blackness, Clinton said she tried to hail a cab Sunday morning and none would stop for her.

"They'll stop for any ol' peckerwood, but not a smart, black sista," Clinton said. "Whitey has it real good in this country, but that's going to change when I get in the White House."

Clinton's opponents didn't know what to make of this harebrained scheme, but were afraid to comment as the candidate's husband, former president Bill Clinton, was caged nearby, bearing his teeth and growling, about to play the Rottweiler Card.

A reporter asked if Ms. Clinton was completely black or just part black, but she declined to answer. Her strategists intimated she will hedge on that issue for the time being, just in case she needs to play the Mulatto Card.

"I have done dealt with racisms all my life," she said, fracturing the language enough to give dimwit Alabama and Georgia voters pause prior to those Feb. 5 primaries.

"Maybe she is black after all," said Homer Tate of Soggy Bottom, Ala. "Coulda fooled me."

Insiders also hinted at other cards Clinton has up her sleeve, such as the Fat Card, in which she will wear a latex fat suit to appeal to millions of obese Americans, and the Floozy Card, a last resort that she'd rather save for the presidential election, provided she wins her party's nomination. One aide said she'll strip off her trademark pantsuit at a press conference, revealing racy underwear, then don a short, clingy V-neck dress and high heels, and tart around the stage.

One rumor circulating is that she already wears camouflage bra and panties to garner the serviceman's vote. No Lesbian Card is anticipated since Clinton already looks plenty butch for that voting block.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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