Written by Warren Redlich
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Saturday, 26 January 2008

image for Ron Paul Quits
Ron Paul thinking about the beach in Galveston

Ron Paul, the Republican presidential candidate, announced today that he's withdrawing from the race. The announcement sparked a blizzard of news coverage far greater than any coverage of Paul's campaign efforts. Paul denied that he will run as a Libertarian in the general election, or for that matter, as a vegetarian.

Speaking outside his office in Galveston, Texas, Congressman Paul indicated he would run for Congress in 2008. "Dennis Kucinich inspired me," said the candidate. "Working together in Congress, he and I hope to stop this war and bring our soldiers home where they belong."

The announcement led to tremendous discord in the community of Ron Paul supporters. Dozens of Ron Paul sign wavers jumped in front of cars, causing hundreds of dollars in vehicle damage. President Bush has asked FEMA to consider reimbursing affected drivers.

On the bright side, the divorce rate is expected to drop as men return home to their families. Also, productivity in the broader computer industry will increase with all the geeks going back to their companies and getting some actual work done. There will be negative economic impact as well. Starbucks warned investors of an anticipated revenue hit, sign printers expressed concern, and the reduction in internet traffic may depress shares of Cisco and other internet hardware providers.

At least one pundit predicted that Paul will be considered as a running mate. "He's a natural fit for Mitt Romney," noted George Will, "in that he brings a lot of independent voters into the tent. He would also fit with Barack Obama, as both appeal to young independent voters and it would further burnish Obama's post-partisan appeal. Plus he can put his roughly $20 million in campaign funds to use if he's on the ticket."

Ron Paul campaign chair Kent Snyder declined comment on any vice-presidential run, saying it was too early to consider.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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