At a press conference in the Fortress of Conventional Wisdom, Super Tuesday angrily denounced the issue-oriented villans who threatened the American Way of picking candidates.
"For decades, I have protected America from party conventions where issues were actually debated," said Super Tuesday, "But multiple viable candidates from outside the acceptable range of policies are splitting the media consensus. Our League of Just-Us cannot survive!"
Visibly shaken, Super Tuesdays' Media Super-Friends bemoaned the lack of lock step thinking. "We can talk about hair and clothes for only so long," explained a pundit, "Sooner or later, the public is going to notice we're still in Iraq and our major export is jobs. Then what?"
Super Tuesday's Super Friends offered support. "We help America find out who is ahead before any votes are cast," said Batpoll, "That way the Daily Planet can ignore anyone with new ideas, and Americans can sleep soundly, without the danger of thinking."
"Unconventional ideas are like gamma rays," said Spidermandate, "They can turn ordinary voters into raging Hulks of self-determination. Are we really prepared for that?"