WASHINGTON, DC - With skepticism about his proposed tax reform running high, and the sand running low in his presidential hourglass, George W. Bush is making a desperate bid to reverse America's current economic woes and leave a lasting imprint upon the White House.
In a speech given on Monday, Bush outlined a new 'Modest Proposal' which he hopes will "go down more smoothly" than the legislative reforms which were received with such distaste last week.
"My fellow Americans," began Bush, "Our beautiful country of freedom and hope has been placed in a sorry economic state. Thanks to the frivolous spending of this country's previous administration, and due in no way whatsoever to the trillion dollars spent liberating Iraq, many Americans can no longer put food on their family. In these times of hunger and want you may begin to despair, but do not, for I am your messiah and shall supply you with endless loaves of fishes."
"It causes me great melancholy," continued Bush, "For as I travel through this great country I am too often confronted with single-parents and low-income couples who cannot earn their daily bread, as they are over-burdened with caring for an illegitimate brood. But the Ms. Spears of our country need not despair, for the salvation of our great nation lies in the very same invalid children that cause such great hardship."
Bush then went on to outline his 'Modest Proposal', whereby he suggested that the poor, destitute, and hungry of America could make their children a benefit to the public, and satiate the hunger of the nation, by offering their progeny as fodder.
Bush's newest proposal, which is also being referred to as 'The Final Solution to the Hunger Question' or the 'No Child Left Uneaten' Plan, met with a warm, tender response, and includes:
- Tax rebates for couples who have consumed two or more children.
- The distribution of a free cookbook entitled Bam! Spice Up Your Children!, written by celebrity chef Emeril Legasse, which will be chock-full of fun and easy recipies for kids.
- A free podcast featuring Martha Stewart, which will offer practical parenting tips, such as how to stretch a single Sunday roast child into a week's-worth of meat-pies and stews, so parents can get the most out of their children.
- The opening of 'The Gingerbread House', a not-for-profit, kids-only soup kitchen in major metropolitan centers, where homeless children can gather to enjoy nutritious, home-cooked meals and put some meat on their skinny bones before being tossed in the crock-pot.
"I have said all along, America's greatest asset is our children," said Bush. "For the strength with which to cast off the burden of this current economic hardship lies in our youth - in their flavorful organs and young, tender flesh."
If enacted, Bush believes this newest proposal will allow him to assert his position as "the greatest president of all time" and finally earn the Nobel Peace Prize and Time's 'Man of the Year' honors that "(he) deserved for ridding the world of terror."
"I have freed Iraq from a brutal, mindless tyrant and rid the world of terrorism," said Bush, "and for that, history will remember me as a peacemaker. But when the sun sets on my presidency, I do not want to be remembered only for the good I have done abroad. I also want to be remembered for the work I have done to benefit America itself. By feeding the hungry of our nation, and completely eradicating the next generation of future homeless and unemployable, I will be remembered as a president who helped to shape a new and better America. Just as we remember President Paul Bunyan for creating the Great Lakes, or President Johnny Appleseed for planting all those orange trees in Florida, so too shall I be rememberated."