WASHINGTON, DC - U.S. President George W. Bush, leader of the free-world and defender of all that is holy, proposed a near $700 billion legislation package Friday, in hopes of bolstering the American economy and saving the free-world from certain economic ruin.
It is hoped that the proposed economic reform will buoy the world's most important economy, which is drowning under the weight of having to support millions of homeless and low-income earners, as well as illegal aliens, the elderly and infirm, homosexuals, and ethnics of every color and creed.
"Our plan is to cut taxes, and put money back into the pockets of Americans who earned it," said Bush. "The type of healthy, hard-working, wealthy, heterosexual, American-born Americans whom our economy depends upon.
"If we allow Americans to keep more of their money, they can do the work of stimulating our economy themselves, by using that money to spend on designer Japanese electronics, foreign luxury cars, and vacation homes in Mexico."
The proposed plan would provide tax relief to nearly 100 million Americans and includes:
- The near-complete elimination of income taxes for America's highest income earners, who would no longer have to make sacrifices to their lavish lifestyles in order to pay taxes.
- Significant tax cuts for both Texas based oil conglomerates and the Texas Rangers.
- A tax cut of $1,000 or more for individuals who donated at least $1,000 to the President's 2001 and 2004 presidential campaigns.
- An 80% reduction in taxes for Fortune 500 companies, so they can continue to stimulate the American economy by outsourcing to foreign firms and moving their factories to countries with compliant governments and cheap labor.
"Altogether, these tax cuts provide true, red-blooded Americans with the key to economic freedom," said Bush. "The key with which they can remove the shackles of poverty, homelessness, unemployment, gay-marriage, and ethnic diversity from our economy."
If approved by congress, the proposed legislative changes would have the unfortunate effect of eliminating a substantial proportion of the government's tax revenues - a deficit that Bush proposes to counter by cutting useless programs like Medicare and Social Security.