What do Mitt Romney, John McCain, Fred Thompson, Mike Huckleberry, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and Barack Obama have in common? Absolutely nothing according to sociologist and hobby birdwatcher, Dr. Raymond Birdsong who says that it's about time the political process mirrors the true America, "super-sized" fragmentation.
"As we've observed through these primaries," said Birdsong, "America is far from settled on this one. Ask any American on a given minute who they're going to vote for in this year's presidential primary and you're liable to get a different answer from minute to minute."
Recent studies conducted by the U.S. Government Monsanto Department of Biologically Engineered Seeds said that only consumption has the power to unite Americans.
"Americans luxuriate in the despondent mud of national narcissism and are only truly happy when they are consuming," said spokesperson for the department, Dr. Hammond Boyles. "You can take an American to church. You can ask an American what they are thankful for. You can do a fellow citizen a great civic favor, but Americans are only truly happy when they are buying something."
This finding is also reflected at the Institute for Lower American Consumption (LIAC).
The My Ancestors Were Former Vikings world-wide watch dog group categorizes Americans as the leviathans on the global market scale often consuming in weeks what third world countries consume in a whole lifetime.
"Sixty-percent of America now has to drive a very large vehicle to carry their fat ass around in," said Dr. Leif Erikson spokesperson for the group commenting on obesity in America. "That would account for the preponderance of Ford F-150 pick-up trucks and SUVs (Superfluously Useless Vehicles) that are on the road."
According to the U.S. Energy Information Administration, the state of Texas alone would rank seventh in the world if it were its own country in emitting carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.
"That's 670 million metric tons of carbon dioxide," said Birdsong. "Not to mention the methane gasses and hot air emitted by the fat-assed, self-reviling bubbas driving those trucks."