Written by King David
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 19 January 2008

image for President Bush economic stimulus package a sure way for schools not to meet AYP
Americans are just going to buy more "crap" with their tax refunds

Instructor, musician and satirist, King David wants to thank President Bush for an economic stimulus package that promises to drive the final nail into the coffin and insure that pubic school systems across the country will not meet AYP, or Adequate Yearly Progress.

Recently, the president has been in the news proposing an economic stimulus package that would be "a shot in the arm" for a plummeting American economy and would give every tax payer $800.00 extra dollars in their pocket to put back into the economy.

"But Americans are in over their heads with McMansion mortgages they cannot afford and the average American credit card debt is $6,000," said David. "How would $800.00 help? Might get them through the next mortgage payment, or tempt them to buy a new car, but then what?"

Chief economist, Mack "the blister" Donalds said that what the president is counting on is the American consumer, after cashing their $800.00 check, running off to Wal-Mart or The Dollar Tree and buying a bunch of worthless, plastic shit made for almost nothing in another country for gullible and addicted American consumers, or some inexpensive technology surrogate to fill the void that needs all kinds of expensive components to run.

Since President Bushes well-intended, but conspicuously lacking, One Child Left Behind 2001 Elementary and Secondary Education Act, public schools receiving any type of federal funding would be responsible for showing yearly progress on end-of-grade examinations to continue being funded under Title I.

"But this is impossible," said the beleaguered satirist who has first-hand experience in the public school system. "I'm not just blowing second-hand smoke here. Some kids, no matter how hard they work, are never going to do well on a standardized test. Their minds just don't work that way. Research demonstrates this point quite clearly."

Besides, how many professionals do you know have to take multiple-choice, standardized tests to prove proficiency in their occupation? Some maybe, but most of what qualifies a person to work a certain job is learned on that job. That, and the ability to operate vending machines.

"Ok, now we're going to take the New York City sanitation department's standardized test for garbage collectors. Take out your pencils and answer sheets. Question oneā€¦."

Furthermore, the tenacious satirist insists that if you take away all the federal funding, then some children can't eat.

"What are they going to do swallow air until their bellies feel full and fart it all out on some multiple choice examination later on?" he asked.

What the satirist was referring to is the Child Nutrition Act, a separate piece of federal legislation which pays for school lunch programs and cannot function without money.

But of course the president would probably rather have a few children die off just so they wouldn't provide an extra strain for the remaining "strong."

Federal funding makes up about 10% of every school system in the country.

Make King David's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 4?

9 4 5 20
57 readers are online right now!

Go to top