Rescuers are amazed at finding a five year old girl alive after being stranded for ten days at the scene of an accident which killed her mother. Ruby Bustemante survived on Gatorade and uncooked noodles. Attorney General John Ashcroft has opened an investigation of the child in order to determine what if any part she played in the accident, vowing, " Given the fact that A) this child has some sort of foreign name and B) that I usually place blame where it doesn't belong and C) the fact that this child was born before George Bush was "elected" President which would make her birth a failing of the Clinton Administration who, as we all know, is responsible for every bad thing that ever happened including but not limited to the Civil War, the Great Depression, Three Mile Island, the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ, World Wars I and II, 9/11, 9/12 and 9/13, Black People and especially my being defeated in my re-election campaign for Missouri Senator by a dead man."
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, "Every Administration should have a kind of rabid Pit Bull on their side to help maul the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and Liberals and Johnny boy is ours. If some little girl gets caught up in the carnage it's no skin off our nose. Grow up you bleeding heart freaks."