Written by Gabriel Eliot
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Topics: American Idol

Thursday, 17 January 2008

image for Study Shows That 84% of Morons Care About "American Idol"
"Like, did you see Idol last night?!"

A study conducted by the University of California, Los Angeles, shows that 84% of American morons rank American Idol as their top concern.

7% of morons ranked political protest as their top priority, while 5% selected Neiman Marcus clearances and 4% put Britney Spears' wardrobe at the top of their list. However, the overwhelming majority regard American Idol as their single most important pursuit, a fact which disturbs Dr. Allen Marjory-Tintin, who oversaw the study.

"Ordinarily, the concerns of morons are widely diffused," explained Dr. Marjory-Tintin, a professor of statistics at UCLA. "The sudden concentration of morons upon a single stupid interest is profoundly worrisome, given the amount of energy it represents. Suppose they all like the same terrible singer? Then, when he or she is thrown off the show, that energy will have to be redirected. Things could turn ugly -- and I hardly need to add that, given the large number of ugly Americans, a sudden transformation of morons into ugly morons could put us beyond the ugly, stupid event horizon. Our civilization might never recover."

Other researchers disagree, and call into question the reliability of the Marjory-Tintin study.

"The only types of morons represented in his sample are college sophomore Womens' Studies majors, rappers, and West Virginian snake-handlers," said Dr. Mary Pullitov of the University of Michigan. "Had he included fans of Star Wars III and romance novelists, he would have obtained a much more accurate picture of the moronic population of this country. I seriously doubt that American Idol is a top priority for more than 65% of morons."

Local morons, although available for comment, were not worth talking to.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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