Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Sunday, 13 January 2008

image for Female monkeys fake orgasms with their male monkey mates to make them sexually climax faster, say scientists with too much time on their hands
Flowers, chocolates may not be the best gifts this Valentine's Day. Know what she really craves is way more than bananas

London, England - Research on primates, our closest relatives, has revealed a startling connection between the sexual behavior of female monkeys and that of women: both species fake orgasms during sexual intercourse with their male counterparts.

Scientists theorize that women's ability to fake it steams from this ancestral link. Although, the genesis for this sexual behavior trait have disappeared, the legacy continues in women faking orgasms, increased demands for oral sex and incorporating fire into the mating rituals of today.

They conclude, therefore, that the initial causes for modern sexual behavior of women is rooted in their survival and continues to be linked to it, even if played out ritualistically in their psyche.

"You must remember that primates resided in hostile environments with natural predators consistently on the prowl for a meal," said a scientist.

Quickly realizing that males are the weaker of the two sexes when it comes to maintaining sexual stamina, females earlier in their sexual evolution discovered that if they faked a sexual orgasm that it would result in the male of the species sexual climaxing on virtually their voice command.

"Requiring only the precious bodily fluids from their male counterparts to perpetuate the species, said a scientist. "They would to do this to shorten the length of the act and thus reducing the chances of being eaten by a predator."

For this reason, women continue to fake an orgasm, say scientists. Except she no longer fears being eaten, just caught by her husband or boyfriend she happened to cheating on.

Also it is the reason why, some women require their male counter parts to perform oral sex on them in order to reach a sexually excited climatic state, say psychiatrists. It is a reenactment of their ancestors that were eaten during the act of sexual intercourse. Having oral sex reminds them of that and it excites them.

The study also concludes that women are responsible for the discovery and employment of fire during sex as it kept predators at bay.

"Our evidence points to women having discovered it and employed it not for cooking, at first, but for their survival during copulation," claims the research study.

Evolution made the female less likely to lose herself in the emotional act of mating. Meanwhile the male, whose blood flow to the brain is lowered, literally redirected away from the brain to the lower extremities of the body, the penis, continues to enjoy sex selfishly and thoughtlessly for any regard for the pleasure of his female counterpart to this very day.

Somewhere during the Neanderthal period of human evolution, women discovered fire was a good deterrent to being eaten while copulating and so they incorporated as an integral part of copulation, again for their survival.

Modern women still deploys fire, either at a meal having a candlelight dinner, or later encircling their abode with scented candles just proceeding or during copulation.

"So what can men learn from all this?" rhetorically asked a scientist who conducted the research. "Absolutely nothing. We just thought it was an interesting factoid men could use over the water cooler to make them sound smart, or to help them appear sensitive to the needs of women in a conversation with a female co-workers they'd like to bang. That and we had to exhaust all the grant money in order to get some more next year."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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