Republican voters have been in distress for the past few months after having learned that they have actually caucused and voted for presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee in recent primaries. After careful study, students at the University of South Carolina have determined that climate change has drastically affected the thought processes and hand motions of conservative voters.
"I don't know what happened in there," says voter Clem Thompkins of Plymouth, New Hampshire, "I got really hot, then I stumbled around and blacked out. When I woke up, there was a check next to Huckabee's name - there was nothing I could do." Mr. Thompkins' sentiment is shared in Iowa as well. Housewife Sharon Thorsberg recalls waking up in a cornfield outside Burlington, Iowa.
"There were about seventy-five of us. We all woke up with Huckabee signs in our hands and strained voices. The last thing I remember is shouting something about how the fair tax is good for the middle class. I'm so ashamed."
Dr. Ray Cathode, professor of biology and expert on vote-greenhousetheria at USC explains: "When one drives around in an SUV and uses gasoline, they unwittingly ingest an agent we've called 'idiocene', a mix between coal and carbon dioxide that forces one to support fake sentimentality and big government. The effects of which go unnoticed by anyone until primary season."
Precautions have been put in place in Michigan and South Carolina. At each voting station, there will be volunteers stationed to say this statement to each and every voter: "Mike comes from a place called Hope, Arkansas. He hopes that you will give them another chance." If the intending voter laughs, they are immediately escorted to the hospital.
Every scientist we asked declined to comment on what this had to do with the warming of the planet, though one said, "come on, we've got to sell this somehow, or else we won't get our deposit back."