Written by Dan Holmes

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Topics: Pope, Jesus

Monday, 12 April 2004

image for Jesus Christ admits - I didn't mean it.
I've been to T K Maxx, God be praised...

It's Easter, and the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and all the other blobby-arsed clergymen with yearnings for sprung-bottomed boys in the far-fetched world of Christendom are falling over themselves to fall before the image of the god they worship. The one with the long hair and the holes in his hands. The one who fed a shedload of people with a basketful of fish. The one who told a camper to piss off and find another site and take his bed with him.

But theSpoof can reveal that all of this pretence is just so much pretence. For theSpoof can reveal that Jeshua-bar-joseph, son of a carpenter in Bethlehem and one of those youngsters who was frankly not interested in school (except the old guys with the beards and the unshakeable faith in their own righteousness) made the whole thing up.

"Guess what. I made up all that stuff about god. All that stuff about sitting at his right hand. I had a bad day, missed lunch, and just felt aggrieved." Thus spake Jeshua-bar-joseph, totally inexplicable dude, to theSpoof today as we sat in heaven's staff canteen awaiting our blood tests. "Yes I'm cleverer, sweeter, full of remarkable remission for your scurvy sins and the son of the all-seeing all just-loving-me saviour and you're just a hole in creation. But I don't have any photos to prove it. All I can say is if you bugger up then my dear Father or his lads will sort you out. Horse's head style. Otherwise I don't have a clue what you're talking about. Or what I'm talking about either. Blame that St Paul guy."

It has to be said that theSpoof's level of religious awareness or belief is so slight that we were really really frightened by the above curses until we came to the bit about the Horse's head. Then we all laughed. So - bring it on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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