Written by Tom deSabla
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Topics: Ron Paul, Snakes

Sunday, 13 January 2008

image for Ron Paul Toe Injured in Snake Fire!
Trained at the Serpente Center?

In a rapidly breaking story, it appears that many leading GOP politicians have been injured in an apocalyptic fire at a hitherto unknown "Snake Complex", including the long-shot racist candidate who isn't going to win - Texas Congressman Ron Paul, who severely injured his right pinkie toe.

According to paramedic Billy Ray Buford, Paul "...got hisself a Texas Toejam alright, ain't nuthin like it. I reckon he'll be laid up fer a while."

It has long been rumored that there was a vast, "snake oil factory" deep in the heart of Texas, where religious republicans were trained in Snake Handling. Also, a vast army of black, gay, and transgendered slaves were supposedly forced by overseer Ron Paul, who can not win, to create vast vats of Snake Oil to deceive republican foes.

It turns out that, unlike the old "Nixon's going to make us go to school on Saturdays" rumor, this one was true. Located in Paul's district just outside the town of Exploitia, Texas, the euphemistically named "Serpente Centre" apparently was situated illegally on some 200 acres of prime wetlands filled with endangered species which the visiting republican bigwigs reportedly took turns killing and torturing for fun.

Records seized indicate that the secret snake center was originally planned by the Evil Nixon, opened by the Stupid Reagan, and ruthlessly expanded by the Evil-yet-Stupid George W Bush, on his daddy's orders, in consultation with Lord Cheney and other evil ones (republicans).

The Slytherin Gatherin, as it was affectionately called, was apparently off-grid, and was generating its own power via a clandestine nuclear reactor. Disposing the radioactive waste was apparently "left to the market" resulting in Exxon Mobil paying 20 dollars for the waste and promptly dumping it in a local creek.

When mutant citizens complained about growing five heads, the Snake Oil Salesmen were dispatched to deal with the threat by repeatedly chanting, "trickle down economics" over and over again. When good progressives tried to resist, the Snake Handlers, reportedly led by George W. and Mark Brunell of the Washington Redskins, joined in, quoting Scripture, thumping Bibles, denying Global Warming, and otherwise speaking in forked snake tongues.

The sinister "Snake Center" was thought to thwart Progressive plans to thwart progress and operated undetected for decades, until last night, when a fire broke out in the Snake Oil Refining section, apparently due to excess venom from Paul and his supporters following his complete meltdown in the New Hampshire primary.

After inexcusably failing to win, he loudly blamed "those Goddamn stupid criminal blacks" for not voting for his "eternal message of freedom." Excited by the outburst, a captive hoop snake bit him, causing Paul to frantically kick at the snake, resulting in the Texas Toejam. His Wookie-like screams ignited a chain reaction of frenzied biting among his rabid supporters, one of whom bit into a superheated snake oil conduit, rupturing it like a Stinger missile through a blimp.

By chance, there was a huge republican revival meeting going on at the Centre Eviltorium right next door. The purpose was to "Strategerize how to exploit the masses and destroy the earth in the name of Jesus Christ." and thus many leading republicans were injured in the concomitant conflagration, which spewed black snake smoke and untold other pollutants into the already filthy air of Paul's squalid district, and generated a huge dust cloud visible for miles.

After the huge fire was put out, an army of Priuses was seen rolling into town, followed by the EPA, the SPCA, and the Pope. They all joined hands, sang Kumbayah, and formed synergistic public-private partnerships. Within 30 minutes, congress had appropriated 20 billion dollars, and then, after Al Gore flew in on Carbon Offset One, the whole mess was cleaned up before nightfall. Then the Goracle himself read a statement condemning nuclear power, republicans, snake oil, and snake handlers in the strongest possible terms - all while absently (and expertly) fondling a baby Gaboon Viper that miraculously escaped the carnage.

"With this great victory against the republicans" he said to the cheering crowd, "politics in America will become caring and civil again. Now we can share the future together - a future of draconian government restrictions into every aspect of our lives, yes, but thanks to these terrible events that took place here today, it will be a future free of snake handlers."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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