April 11, 2004
Pope John Paul II's Easter message called on God to help World Leaders end war, terrorism and poverty. This plea from the Pontif, God's spokesman on Earth, came just days after a new CNN (Creator News Network) poll shows God and the Devil in a statistical dead heat.
God, replying to the Pontiff's plea has promised to aide World Leaders in ending war, terrorism and poverty, citing June 30 as His target date for world peace. In a statement issued from a smoldering bush God, who is facing a tough re-election campaign this November has pledged that if elected to a four millionth term as Supreme Being will "Smite long and hard all the Thugs, Assassins, Losers and Dead Enders I can think of, thereby making the world a better place for all Me Fearing Peoples."
Perennial Opposition candidate Lucifer B. Satan has openly criticized God's handling of the War on Terror, stating in an address written on asbestos paper from Hell that, " For at least the last six thousand years He has flip flopped on the issues...one eon He is Benevolent and loves all his children, the next He is wrathful and avenging. One millennium the Jews are His Chosen People, the next it's the Christians. If I am finally elected I will be the Supreme Being to all peoples...Jews, Muslims, Christians and David Beckham's lovers, however many that may be."
Unnamed Paradise Source Arch Angel Gabriel, speaking on the condition that no one tells God that he said anything or he'll be sent to Cleveland for eternity or worse, Manchester, said, "You know, it's a bitch to have to admit it, but sometimes I think the Big Guy has made a couple of mistakes during his term. Look at the millions who have been killed in His name, that's just wrong. And He never really cleared up exactly who He is; that's why you have so many different religions. Maybe it is time for a change, Someone who's ways aren't so Mysterious."
(This story was approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)