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Thursday, 10 January 2008

image for Hillary cries her way to victory in New Hampshire
"And stop calling me a 'woman'. The politically correct term is 'Vagino-American'."

Barack Obama was riding high into New Hampshire, confident of repeating his Iowa victory over Hillary Clinton. "I'm young, I'm black, I'm articulate, I'm telegenic, I'm minimally qualified. How can I not beat the bitch again?" he enthused.

But Barack forgot about Hillary's Secret Weapon: the fact that any woman can get anything she wants just by crying.

At a press conference on the eve of the primary, Hillary explained: "WAAAAH! It's just so unfair! [sob] I wanted Sooooooo much [whimper] to be president but...BWAAAAAHH!! you voters won't let me [blows nose]. You're all such insensitive brutes - WAAAAAAHHH!!!" as she filled 2 buckets with tears and 7 hankies with snot.

New Hampshire voters responded, "There, there, Hillary. We're sorry for hurting your feelings. Here, we're voting for you - see? Just stop crying, okay?" while handing her a box of Kleenex and an easy victory over Obama, who never knew what hit him.

The other candidates were left to play catch-up. Mitt Romney said, "Hey, I cried too! Remember when I told about hearing in 1979 that God told my Mormon church to let blacks join it, right after the I.R.S. told us we'd lose our tax exemption if we didn't? And I'm sure the timing of all that was a total coincidence. Anyway, I was so pleased at the news I cried like a baby. Don't I get some credit for that?"

Apparently not, because Romney got stomped by John McCain, who didn't cry but traded on his Vietnam experience with the slogan, "Vote for a politician who's already been in prison - not just one who's headed there!"

Rudolph Giuliani, already proud over setting a new personal record by going for 3 whole minutes without mentioning 9/11, also sought to duplicate Hillary's crying success. In a Fox TV interview Rudy said, "WAAAAH! 9/11! Sob! 9/11! BWAAAAHH!! 9/11! 9/11! Bawl! 9/11! Weep! 9/11! WAAAAAHHH!!!" The result: Rudy lost to Ron Paul - again. Which is really rather pathetic when you stop to think about it.

Political strategists could have told Mitt and Rudy that crying only works for female candidates. For males, it's career poison. As one strategist put it, "Two words - Ed Muskie."

But having struck gold, Hillary is determined to mine every ounce. She's announced the "Cry Across America Tour '08" which will have her getting weepie whenever she's within range of a camera. Her campaign is counting on this non-stop coast-to-coast cryathon to do in all 50 state primaries what it did in New Hampshire.

But that's not all! Senatoress Clinton will also be using other traditional weapons in the Female Arsenal, including:

  • SAYING "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" As in, "...If you did, you wouldn't have turned down my national health care program during my first term as president!" [Note: This is most effective when used in conjunction with crying. And with stamping her feet and throwing things, too.]

  • INSINUATING "THE OTHER WOMAN": "You're seeing someone else, aren't you? Who is she?!? Senator Elizabeth Dole? Former New Jersey Governor Christine Todd Whitman? Wait - I know! It's Condoleeza Rice! You bastard!"

  • WITHOLDING SEX: This is the most effective weapon to inflict on a horny electorate. Since Hillary "cut off" the voting public, all the nation's right hands are fatigued. And there are serious shortages of Vaseline and old sweat socks, if you get my drift. Hillary's husband, former President Bill, empathized with America: "Now as in 1992, I feel your pain. Not getting any from Hill - I've been there, done that! After the first week, it gets so bad even Monica starts looking good to you - trust me, I know. I guess we'll just have to give in and elect Hillary, huh?"

    Desperate to stop the Hillary Juggernaut, the Republicans have appointed a new chief strategist: Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf. Why him? One anonymous Republican explained, "Musharraf obviously knows how to deal with female presidential candidates." Whatever that means.

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    The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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