Israel - (Reuterus & Bad Ass Mess): Pleading jet (s)lag and a pinched nerve in his abdomen, President Bush somehow managed to persuade Israeli PM Ehud Olmert today to take him to a holistic Tel Aviv brothel run on Kabbalistic principles by singer Madonna.
Olmert duly obliged after Mossad eventually found the address despite ten fruitless years of investigating the cult racket's vice business activities in the Israeli capital.
Bush was allowed into the swanky cultish premises after a security service sweep and reportedly spent a pleasant 45 minutes 'getting a good seeing to' while Laura Bush was having a spa mudbath treatment for peristalsys dysfunction.
Bush is in the Middle East on a Iran slagging-off PR exercise after opinion polls showed bad-mouthing President Ahmadinejad from a distance of less than 1,000 miles would go down well back home ahead of the Super Tuesday Primaries.
Tomorrow he flies to see Prince Bandar in Sordid Arabia to check up on his post-Presidency handout arrangements rumored to exceed the Saddam $18 billion oil-for-fraud that mysteriously disappeared from Iraqi coffers in 2004.
On Friday he touches down briefly in Bahrain to settle singer Michael Jackson's bankruptcy, debts run up by fleecing a Manama princelet of $7 million.
Jackson had promised to 'cut an album and make a video' with the little royal figurine, a promise which somehow failed to materialise.
Subsequent litigation in London's Royal Courts of Justice has been a huge embarrassment to all concerned. Bush now comes armed with a sizeable cheque, rumored to be drawn on one of Bandar's many Swiss accounts.
And the highlight of the trip?
A touchdown on one of the US destroyers that Iranian speedboats buzzed so pathetically the other day in the choppy international water of the Shitt El-Arab.
Bush apparently wants to be filmed at the controls of the torpedo launchers on the USS Nodamnbullshit as he issues his sternest warning yet to Iran.
"When they come to make the movie "George W Bush, The Movie" I want this scene from the original footage and not from the Tom Cruise-played director's cut."
Condoleezza Rice is frantic.