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Sunday, 13 January 2008

image for Did CIA Agents "Water-Board the Heck" out of Detainees?
A CIA agent kindly opening a door for a detainee, SOP according to the CIA.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Despite facing a barrage from the liberal media of late, the Central Intelligence Agency remains adamant that two videotapes it destroyed in 2005 did not contain any evidence of agency operatives engaging in the torture of detainees.

"The two tapes in question were destroyed to protect the safety and anonymity of our undercover operatives, and not to destroy evidence," CIA director Gen. Michael V. Hayden, offered in a statement on Friday.

"If those tapes had become public, our agents would likely be exposed to retaliation from Al Qaeda," continued Hayden. "I'm sure old Bin Laden would be pretty mad after he saw those videos of our operatives 'water-boarding' the heck out of his little Al Qaeda buddies."

Hayden then offered a brief chuckle, paused, and after reflecting briefly upon what he had just said, asked the gathered media to "just disregard that last thing I said about 'water-boarding'," and "hand your recording devices over to the nice men with the guns and dark glasses so they can have them destroyed."

Members of the media were then briskly ushered out of the room by the aforementioned nice men with guns and dark glasses, calling a prompt end to the press conference.

In a related matter, the CIA has scheduled another press conference for early next week in order to clear up the confusion surrounding the destruction of a number of videotapes which included footage of CIA director Gen. Michael V. Hayden admitting to the use of torture by CIA agents.

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