Written by Dan Holmes

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Topics: Iraq, Politics

Friday, 9 April 2004

image for Mathematics Professor proves that Iraq problems do not exist
Ford Edsel Ford presents his new formula

Ford Edsel Ford, Professor of Applied Mathematics at the Barbara Bush Memorial College in Norwich, PA, has shocked the world of politics and science today with a radical claim that the violence, hatred, religious intolerance and rather bad behaviour which we have seen in Iraq this last few days does not actually exist.

"It's not rocket science" says the Professor, who has also published research papers on the two-to-one likelihood that God is a dwarf and the probability of pissing on your shoes when drunk. "The formula is simple: T = I/(A+B+J+S+) * M/2. Once you understand that T = 0 then the rest follows."

TheSpoof asked its own Scientific Correspondent, Isambard Coccyx McPestle, to analyse the Professor's results.

"Well," said McPestle, "the formula is an interesting one. If we parse it we find that T = trouble, I = Iraq, A = America, B = Britain, J = Japan, S= Spain, M= Muslims and 2 = 2. So roughly speaking the formula reads something like "trouble equals Iraq divided by America plus Britain plus Japan plus Spain times Muslims divided in two. All of which makes perfect sense. The controversial part of the formula is equating T and 0."

Ford Edsel Ford was unrepentant. "McPestle's a McPistle" is all he would say. "I've proved that Iraq isn't a problem. What's he proved, except that theSpoof is a scientifically illiterate rag with no bona fides? Just take me to your leader, is all."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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