GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - Forced drugging; sexual degradation; being submitted to prison food; and broken toilet flushes going unfixed. This is but a fraction of the inhumane activity rumored to have occurred within the closely guarded walls of Guantanamo Bay detention camp of late.
With the bad press mounting, the United States military called a press conference late last week in order to quell the partisan rumors about the embattled camp once and for all.
Selected members of the press gathered in Miami on Friday, and were flown by the U.S. military directly to Guantanamo Bay naval base (A precaution taken to avoid the danger of their having to set foot on Cuban soil - which is rumored to transform men into bloodthirsty beings known as communists).
Upon arrival, the media were then transported to the detention camp where they were immediately treated to complimentary hot dogs and Kool-Aid.
With everyone refreshed and pleasantries exchanged, camp director Gen. Torrence Mentor then started the proceedings by arranging everyone in a circle, having them hold hands, and sing the official camp song.
After a raucous ten-minute rendition of 'Camp Guantanamo Bay, Forever I'll Stay', General Mentor finally quieted the crowd in order to "get down to the business of dispelling those nasty rumors about Camp Guantanamo."
"As you can see, in spite of the rumors being spread by those freedom-hating hippies in the liberal media, Guantanamo Bay is a camp just like any other," offered Mentor. "Like any of the camps you may have attended as youths, we provide a fun, safe environment for positive social development. The only difference between our camp and others is that our campers are a little older...and they're suspected of having terrorist affiliations. But when we here at Camp Guantanamo take the 'camper's pledge' we promise not place judgment on others."
After a short break for a game of ultimate Frisbee, it was head counselor Comm. Karl Alvarez's turn to address the media.
"We counselors think of Guantanamo Bay not as a detention camp, but as an attention camp," said Alvarez. "Our aim is to provide supervision, leadership, and the strong moral guidance that the troubled youth who attend our facilities so desperately need. In fact, I myself attended Camp Guantanamo when I was a wayward and confused youth, and it helped me to find the inner strength and tap the potential that was there in me all along. And now look how far I've come, I'm the head swim instructor."
After another short recess, this time for a short bathroom and hacky sack session, activity coordinator Corp. Lance Strong drew the proceedings to a close by offering a taste of what Camp Guantanamo has in store for campers.
"In addition to providing a positive developmental environment, we also offer a number of fun and fulfilling activities to ensure our campers get the most out of their Guantanamo experience," said Strong. "Of course, we have all the traditional activities like canoeing, hiking, and swimming. But this year we've added a new extreme sport to the mix. It's called water-boarding, and for those of you that haven't tried it, it's a mix of surfing, water skiing, and simulated drowning, and let me tell you, it sure gets our campers heart rates up."
With dusk approaching, the press conference was called to a close to allow the gathered media to return home, and the camp counselors to prepare sharpened sticks for roasting marshmallows at the evening's campfire.