In a televised press conference from the White House today, U.S. President George W. Bush announced that his unrelenting hunt for weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) has turned up a massive arsenal of nuke-u-lar weapons right here in the United States. The text of his speech appears below:
"My fellow Americans. Today is a day which will be looked back upon at some point when we are looking back on it as a day of infirmary. In a routine inspection of a military hangar in the wilds of the great state of Nevada, weapons inspectors who took a wrong turn at Albuquerque discovered a massive stockpile of nuke-u-lar weapons. As I said, you're either with us or against us, and it appears that the U.S. is now against us. We will not stand for terror or the perforation of weapons of mass destruction. We must act to end this great threat to our nation and we must act now. As of 10:17am, I have declared war on the United States of America. A battalion of U.S. Marines is already on the ground in Lake Tahoe, gunning down pockets of resistance in casinos, which are suspected to be funding these anti-American efforts. Today I will submit a request to Congress for $217 billion in funding so that I may eliminate all nuke-u-lar and other weapons of mass destruction in Nevada and other un-American American states, and root out those responsible for their creation so I can bring them to justice…Texas style. If there's any money left over, I plan to buy a really cool pair of sunglasses like Tom Cruise wore in Top Gun for when I don my flight suit again and land safely on the top of the Stratosphere in 5 weeks to announce the accomplishedness of our mission. It is a trying time for America, knowing that we are going to war against the United States, but we must do whatever we can to make sure that we destroy all these weapons so that dangerous parties such as John Kerry don't get their hands on them. I promise not to kill any more of your children than are absolutely necessary this time."
The assembled crowd of stunned media representatives were collectively silent for the Q&A portion of the briefing, having had all their brains simultaneously short circuit.