Ron Paul, in a striking move to appease pro-war conservatives, today announced that he has changed his battle strategy in Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan, among other places.
While stumping in New Hampshire, as the caucuses near ever closer, Paul revealed his "revolutionary" tactics to please both his libertarian supporters and his neo-con supporters.
"I have nothing against the neo-cons," said Paul, 72, "I admire them, actually. They are such a strong force in both the Democratic and Republican parties. On that note, I'd also like to announce that I'll be joining the CFR in February, because of their strong commitment to the Constitution."
CFR members declined to comment on what role Paul would take on, although the president did mention that, "We look forward to having him for dinner. He's such a spicy, delicious fellow."
Paul's plan for war is a fairly new concept into the older "smack 'em with everything we've got" tactic. His proposal is "simple":
"Warring countries and the United States will build supercomputers that would predict exactly what would happen as conflict progresses. As each country takes a simulated blow, the "casualties" of the blows (residents of the "attacked" area) will be escorted to disintegration chambers, where they will die valiantly for their country."
"So even though our population takes a hit, there is no actual damage to either country!" explained Paul. "It's all the fun of war, but without the mess. I think the messy part is what turns off my anti-war supporters."
When asked what he would do if his area was hit, Paul declined to comment.
Paul's announcement comes only 2 days until the Iowa caucuses begin.