Dateline Orwellia - In an interview recorded by Fox News on September 12, 2001, Washington plastic surgeon Abe Schwartz reported that President Bush underwent surgery to shorten his nose on the afternoon of 911-2001.
Schwartz said the President requires the surgery frequently to deal with chronic Probiscus Pinocchiosis. Fox decided not to air the video interview for national security reasons at the time, (though it is not clear what nation Fox wished to be secure). But this week, parties in the Clinton campaign broke into Fox News offices at the Slandergate Complex and stole the video.
Officers of the Department of Homeland Security apprehended the thieves after they delivered the Schwartz interview to chairman of the the dirty tricks department of the Clinton campaign organization, who published the video on YouTube. Campaign sources have declined to reveal the chairperson's name but speculation runs high that the name may scan and roughly rhyme with, pillory hit man.
In the interview, Schwartz says that Bush has been coming to him regularly for years to have a few inches chopped of his nose but that after recording the television speech for evening broadcast on the morning of 911-2001, the President had to carry his nose into Schwartz's clinic in a wheel barrow. Schwartz said there was enough amputated schnoz to feed all the starving people in the world for a year. "It was really pretty disgusting", Schwartz said.
The Clinton campaign has published the video because it shows former New York Mayor, Rudolph Guiliani in the audience and undermines Guiliani's boast of being the hero of 911, even suggesting that he knows more than he's saying about the events of that day.
But the political strategy has had some blowback (to use the term introduced by the Presidential candidate whose name we are not allowed to mention). Ignorant bigots from across the nation want to know if Mrs. Clinton is turning into one of those tin hat, 911 truth movement geeks. A spokesperson for the Clinton campaign set the record straight by explaining that Mrs. Clinton is not the least bit concerned with the truth about 911 or anything else. The sole purpose of publishing the video is to slander and defame an opposing candidate.
911 Truthers see the matter a bit differently. To them, the Schwartz interview is the smoking gun they've been looking for.
A spokesperson for the truth movement, speaking anonymously to avoid liquidation by the Department of Homeland Security, said, "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. We told you so".
A spokesperson for families who profited from the loss of loved ones in the demolition of the World Trade Towers issued this statement in reply to the truther's vicious propaganda. "Did not".
Truthers, in turn, countered saying, "Did so." The did not- did so controversy is expected to continue to dominate alternative press outlets until hell freezes over.
Interviewed for his comments on release of the video, Dr. Schwartz said he doesn't understand all the commotion and has no personal interest in either truth or politics.
"It's a living", he said. "I just like my work and free advertising. So when the TV people came and asked questions about my work, I was happy to talk about it". Asked if he feared political assassination in consequence of what he said, Schwartz had this to say. "That won't happen. All the senators and congressmen come to me to treat their probiscus Pinocchiosis. They can't afford to lose me so they won't let it happen.
"All the guys come to me for palm hair removal too and I've given Mrs. Clinton so many face lifts that if she has one more she'll be wearing a goatee. Janet Reno is scheduled to begin redundant sex change surgery as soon as I can blackmail enough congressmen to pass legislation to pay her bill.
"Like I say, it's a good living."