Written by John Andreini
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Friday, 28 December 2007

image for Kucinich to revive campaign with face transplant

In a move some political analysts call "desperate," Democratic presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich announced today that he will undergo a full face transplant as early as next week.

"My message is not getting out," said the former mayor of Cleveland. "I've asked myself 'why' over and over again, and then it dawned on me. Mitt Romney looks like he should be president. It doesn't seem to matter to people that he has the IQ of a hamster, what's important is that he looks like the patriarch of a TV sitcom family. Therefore, I have decided that there is only one way for me to reach the people with my views, and that is to have a face transplant."

The operation is risky, but it's a risk Kucinich is willing to take. "I know myself. I get up every morning and see myself in the mirror. It's not a pretty sight. My wife has me put a paper bag over my head before we make love. No more. My new face is going to take me to the White House."

Asked what his new face would look like, Kucinich responded. "The doctor's have a stiff on ice for me who died from a heart attack. He's quite handsome…I'd say a cross between George Clooney and Robert Redford. I turned down another face that seemed too Republican."

Kucinich is expecting to be back on the campaign circuit within a day or two of the operation, despite warnings from doctors that the healing time is closer to a year. "Doctors always present the worst-case scenario. Even if it looks like I fell face first into my garbage disposal, believe me, it'll be an improvement."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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