Written by Jalapenoman
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Friday, 28 December 2007

image for President's Book of Secrets From National Treasure Movie Really Exists
It really exists

In National Treasure: Book of Secrets, a recent sequel to the first National Treasure film starring Nicolas Cage, a book called the President's Book of Secrets is introduced as a vital clue to solving a mystery. In the movie, this book is hidden in the Library of Congress. Audiences naturally assume this to be a work of fiction.

This writer, in interviews with all living former Presidents of The United States, has learned that the book really exists.

Jimmy Carter, President during the late 70's, was the first of the current group to actually see the book. "Yes," he said, "It really does answer a lot of mysteries. You'll understand, however, that I am forbidden by the National Secrets act from revealing any of these."

When asked if he added anything to the book and where he kept it hidden, Carter said that "We put in the location of the secret, trapped door in Amy's treehouse. I can tell you that because it isn't there anymore. Our current President was just too big to play in it and ended up breaking the treehouse with his large butt and inflated ego."

"I also used to keep it under an empty KFC bucket in my bedroom. We kept extra sporks in the bucket for late night snacks."

President George H.W. Bush was the next of our former Presidents to come in contact with the book. Like Mr. Carter, he did not feel that he could divulge any of the secrets. He did say that "I kept it hidden underneath Barbara's side of the mattress in our bedroom. If anyone dared to try to roll her behind out of the way, they probably earned the right to see it."

President Clinton was willing to talk about some of the things he had seen in the book. "Some of them secrets just don't matter anymore. I mean, we all know that JFK was diddling Marilyn Monroe in the Lincoln Bedroom. Where do you think I got the idea for referring to the thing as a cigar?"

"It also doesn't really matter if everyone knows that Eleanor Roosevelt was so ugly that her daddy paid FDR to marry her and that she had to wear a bag over her head for sex, and it was always in the dark."

"I didn't add anything new to the book, but I kept it underneath Hillary's copy of the Bible. I figured that she was never going to read or touch that anyway, so she'd never see the book."

Former Vice President Al Gore, while admitting that he never actually saw the book, did claim credit for inventing it.

Current President George W. Bush said, "there's a book? Does it have any pictures? Can Mommy read it to me at bedtime or is it more of that boring stuff that Cheney handles for me? There is one old book that I like to use as second base, but I don't know if it's that one."

When asked if the book claimed the secrets of the JFK assassination, none of the group would confirm or deny this. When asked if it answered whether or not the truth was known about the bombing of Pearl Harbor or the 9/11 attacks, no one was willing to answer.

Upon learning of the true existence of the book, Oprah Winfrey said that "When I pay enough to get Obama elected, he'll let me publish it and we'll have it in my book club."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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