Written by King David
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Topics: North Carolina

Monday, 24 December 2007

image for Governor Easley calls for state of emergency; resorts to creative solutions to find cure for North Carolina's water woes
North Carolina may be down to her last drop of water; what's next water wars?

With North Carolina currently in the worst drought of the state's history, Gov. Mike Easley called for a state of emergency today.

"78 of our 100 counties are experiencing 'exceptional drought,'" said the governor. "As defined by the U.S. Drought Monitor, this is the most intensive category."

The governor is requiring North Carolinians to take the following steps to conserve water:

The distribution of salt blocks by the National Guard in all urban neighborhoods and requiring residents to lick them at least 30 times a day. Since the human body is 70-80% water, increased levels of salt will help the body retain fluids.

Residents in rural areas may use existing salt blocks that they normally use for cattle. Required licks could be ratcheted to 50 depending on how severe the drought gets.

North Carolina is still a very rural state. Use the woods to do your business. Go back to outhouses.

No more new construction. There is not enough water to bring in anymore people.Communal baths like the Greeks and Romans will be constructed in city and town centers.

Municipal water systems need to be switched to a tiered billing scheme that will bill customers for exactly the water that they use instead of a fixed rate. Most North Carolina systems are on a fixed rate exchange.

"It will take a little time to program the computers to bill customers this way," said Malcome Foresight.

Legend has it that tiered billing got its name after a customer received his first water bill on the new system and broke down in tears.

Require parents to time their children in the showers and encourage "shower races." Shower with friends and family members. Shower less frequently and replace shower fixtures with garden hoses and gun-type nozzles.

Have less sexual intercourse. It requires too many "extra" showers. Instead, find a less vigorous substitute such as oral sex, or manual stimulation and watch more porn.

Eat more fried chicken and other finger food. Close down fast food restaurants that require massive amounts of hot water and detergent to cut through grease to wash dishes and clean their floors.

Outlaw ice sculptures, private swimming pools and Jacuzzis in gated communities and drain the RBC hockey rink.

Stick a straw in the ocean.

Dredge one long channel from North Carolina's coast to her mountains, install desalinization plants and pray for a massive hurricane.

"If North Carolinians don't adhere to these water saving practices," said the governor, "then God help them all. Suffice it to say that they will be up shit creek without a paddle, but there is no water left in shit creek, so I don't know what they're going to do."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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