Written by Chuck Terzella
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Monday, 5 April 2004

April 6,2004

The Administration went on the offensive yet again today to defend itself against accusations that it has distorted scientific findings in order to support it's Conservative agenda. John H. Marburger III, Director of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy, has denied that the White House has misled the public about any of it's scientific reports.

"Just as this Administration is committed to not using big words when talking to the President, we are equally committed to delivering to the American public the most accurate information we can that supports any plans we may come up with to say, clear cut forests, drill for oil in sensitive areas, allow major corporations to continue to pollute our air and water... you know, the important things that will make America a better place for those Republicans with a healthy stock portfolio."

Marburger continued, " For instance we sent a scientific expedition towards the South Pole to measure the size of the hole in the Ozone, but after it fell off the edge of the Earth we concluded that since there was no South Pole there couldn't be a hole in the Ozone layer above it. It's just solid Republican science."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Look, we've gone back over the findings of the last hundred years or so and we realized that a lot of things people were saying just wasn't true. Do you know Darwin's Theory of Evolution basically says that God didn't make the Earth in seven days? Or that most people don't believe there was a Great Flood? I mean, that's in the Bible, for God's sake, so it must be true."

Among the ‘Current Science' that the Bush Administration has debunked are:

Lead in your drinking water is bad for you...It actually helps you think better.

Global Warming is bad... think about how wrong that is in January.

Stem Cell Research is a good thing...anything that puts you in a cell is never good.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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