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Saturday, 22 December 2007

image for Envious of Ron Paul's blimp, other candidates also obtain weird vehicles
"I have a blimp and you don't. I'm Ron Paul, and I approved this message."

The acquisition of a blimp by Republican candidate Ron Paul has thrown the 2008 presidential race into a turmoil, as other candidates scramble to catch up with Paul by getting strange, wildly impractical vehicles of their own.

Among the Democratic candidates:

  • Hillary Clinton bought a surplus Russian submarine. But the "HillarySub '08" has yet to generate even a single dollar in campaign contributions. There are various suggestions as to why that is. Hillary now admits the slogan originally painted on the submarine, "This sub goes down as fast as Monica Lewinsky" brought back voters' unpleasant memories of the FIRST Clinton administration. But the revised slogan, "This sub goes down as fast as Hillary's poll numbers.", though true, has not been received much better.

    Some of Hillary's campaign strategists even questioned the political value of a submarine. They point out that traveling underwater it is visible only to fishes, who rarely vote Democratic anyway. Hillary's response was to fire those strategists and replace them with ones more reasonable, defined as those who agree that possession of a vagina confers infallibility.

  • Barack Obama now owns a 1965 Amphicar - the only car that can be safely driven into the water without sinking because it's also a boat. Barack received the rare amphibious car as a gift from fellow Senator Ted Kennedy, who explained "If only I had been driving this Amphicar at Chappaquiddick in 1969, I'd have become President myself."
  • Dennis Kucinich obtained a UFO, a gift from his space alien supporters. Among the UFO's many fine qualities are its ability to travel faster than light, its 4,000,000 light-year range, and its never needing fuel. Dennis boasts, "Believing in UFOs as I do entitles me to own one! No other candidate has that advantage."

On the Republican side:

  • Mike Huckabee bought a helicopter and painted it black. The Huckster explains: "Don't you get it? Everyone says I'm a crazy conspiracy theorist because I'm always talking about black helicopters - and look, here one is! HA! So who's crazy now?"
  • Alan Keyes bought that DeLorean "time machine" car from the "Back to the Future" movies, explaining: "I will use this DeLorean to travel back in time and kill Osama bin Laden before he can commit 9/11! Thus saving 3,000 innocent Americans!"
  • When this reporter explained to Keyes that the car is just an ordinary DeLorean and cannot actually travel through time, Keyes became agitated. "So you WANT 9/11 to have happened! You hate America! When I'm president I'll have you waterboarded in Guantanamo! Go back to Iran while you still can, you Mohammed-worshipping terrorist!" said Keyes, who seems to be in the race only to make Huckabee look normal by comparison.

  • Mitt Romney's vehicle is a mule-drawn Conestoga covered wagon. Mitt says, "It's just like the one used by Joseph Smith, founder of my religion, the L.S.D. Moron - uh, I mean L.D.S. Mormon Church. Fascinating man, Joseph was - the L. Ron Hubbard of the 19th century. I'm a Mormon, did you know that? I'm quite certain I never mentioned that before."
  • But Adolph, uh I mean RUdolph Giuliani has perhaps the oddest vehicle of all: a World War One-vintage Fokker triplane. Asked its significance, Rudy said, "I'm the mayor of 9/11! So only I am qualified to be the President of 9/11! If anyone besides me becomes President, they'll slash the defense budget until our brave men and lesbians of the U.S. military have to fight the War on Terror with weapons like this 90-year old triplane!" With that the "Brooklyn Duce", as if to illustrate, climbed into the triplane and took off, only to crash and kill himself. Much to everyone's relief.

That's about it for candidates' weird vehicles, unless you count Mike Gravel's Volkswagen microbus, which he bought because it can carry him and all of his supporters.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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