Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee has received a $1000 campaign contribution from a known albino sex addict and says he plans to return "every red-eyed cent." Charles Mugsby, owner of the lurid, adults-only site WhiteRide.com explains his support for Huckabee, "My gift is actually related to a bet I lost. I can't really go into detail, but it involved a rabbit, two cordial cherries, my landlord's wife and a bag of Doritos."
Campaign Contributions Director Roger Cornthal says this won't be the last donation the Huckabee campaign will return. "What we have are rogue individuals who think they can influence our candidate. We will not be swayed by these despicable special interest groups."
When asked what specific special interest Mugsby represents Cornthal responded, "The last thing this camp wants are the Anti-Albinists crying foul that they aren't being treated fairly by Mike Huckabee For America because we have been swayed by the Blizzard [a derogatory term for the activist wing of the NAAAP]. You also have several blog posts out there where Mugsby is referring to the 'lovely, lovely wife' of Mike Huckabee. We are feeling uncomfortable on several fronts with this contribution."
The recent reevaluation of campaign donors has led to the creation of a new motto for the finance wing of Huckabee 2008. Cornthal says, "Special Interests Not Needed, Evade Rejects [SINNER] is our new battle cry. We are basically saying that we don't want Mr. Huckabee's dinner tonight paid for by Joe Jones who punched his wife last week, or Sally Smith who three-timed her husband over Thanksgiving, or Todd Graham who wiped poorly, didn't wash and left fecal residue on the men's room door at Macy's." This new stance against SINNER donations many political observers say will significantly drain Huckabee's already-meager cash reserves.
"These people out there who are interested in defiling themselves, their homes, pets and those around them are thinking that giving to the Huckabee campaign will mean returned support for their causes. We are sending a message to all the adulterers, fornicators, liars, cheats, thieves, back-talkers, speed-limit-breakers, voice-raisers and nose-pickers out there. We are essentially asking Americans to look inside themselves and decide if the measure of their lives makes them worthy to support our cause and hopefully be able to cast the first presidential votes for Huckabee. I tell you this, the numbers will be small, but a special hand will funnel to us all we need to take the nomination." It seems an unnecessary course to take given the race for the 2008 Republican nomination is heating up and candidates across the board are pumping cash into last-minute advertising and other efforts to grab voters.
Says Cornthal, "Yes, you could say we are looking for holy cash. Mugsby can give his dirty fiat money to the Ron Paul camp if he likes. We'd as soon wait for the Second Coming and take our haul directly from the Lord Himself if we have to."