Written by rkcaughman
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Friday, 21 December 2007

In yet another very crafty move, Senator Ted Stevens, republican Alaska, deftly supplanted an eleventh hour earmark into a seemingly innocent bill.

The bill called "American Patriots for Wiretapping, Water Boarding, and Indiscriminate and Unlawful Imprisonment" had received some mixed reviews in the Senate, but Stevens had deftly maneuvered the bill from committee to the floor where it passed 87 to 13.

What wasn't noticed about this bill was the eleventh hour attachment that made it illegal, unethical, immoral, and unlawful to have never taken a bribe while a United States senator in the state of Alaska.

Democrats and Independents in both the Senate and the House were outraged by this egregious act by Stevens and his staff. Senator Edward Kennedy, democrat of Massachusetts was interviewed by this reporter at the Lobster Peenile Bar and Grill in Hyannis Port.

Although the Senator appeared to be inebriated his words were forceful and to the point. The Senator said (I think) "Stevens ought to be tarred and feathered for this kind of crap."

With his crystal tumbler full of little ice donkeys chilling what appeared to be lovely single malt Scotch he waxed poetic. "Surely," the Senator said, "we can't reward bad behavior with a wink and a nod (he could have said Cod, he was struggling a bit), and let this boorish Artic Iceman escape the laws of this land."

He continued by saying "Since the founding fathers (he might have said fondling) first settled Hyannis Port and other poor communities like Back Bay, we have had to answer for our actions.

"We passed a bill, that neither I nor any other democratic senator actually read that republicans assured us would make our country safer, our citizens better protected, and would scare the pants off terrorists. And now, we find out that he is protecting himself with a law that has the audacity to prosecute lawmakers who never take a bribe."

Kennedy ordered another double, shrugged his shoulders (and belly) and said "Oh well I guess if we make this concession for him, we probably all should adopt this measure that protects all lawmakers."

Kennedy, with a markedly slumped posture, precariously eased off his barstool, hitched his pants up, smoothed his tousled hair, and weaved his way to a waiting taxi. I followed him out and when entering the taxi turned to me and said "At this moment in time, I feel badly about being mislead, and it's just a good thing I'm drunk, and won't remember this conversation."

As the yellow taxi slowly pulled away from the curb, and with a hand waving to me through the window of the cab, in a thickening and misty fog, I saw tears cascading from his bloodshot eyes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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