Written by Warren Redlich
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Monday, 17 December 2007

image for Huckabee Rejects Darwin, Copernicus, Newton and Einstein
Mike Huckabee's dad rests after a long day of campaigning

Surging Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee reached a new high this week following questions about his denial of the theory of evolution. His poll numbers skyrocketed as the American public finally found a candidate in sync with their views on Darwin. Noticing how the controversy boosted him in the polls, Huckabee took it a step further and denounced several prominent scientists from history.

Comedian and talk show host Bill Maher cornered Huckabee and pressed him about his position on evolution. Huckabee dodged the question on the show, but later came out strongly after he was criticized by the Christian Broadcasting Network.

The Huckabee for President website now prominently features Charles Darwin being hung in effigy, along with position statements insisting that the world is actually flat, the sun orbits the earth in a circular (not elliptical) manner, gravity is a fiction, and space-time is absolute rather than relative. After the New York Times sharply criticized Huckabee for these new positions, the candidate jumped another ten points in the polls.

Evangelicals from all over the country are now swarming Iowa, knocking over Ron Paul supporters as they seek to convert the local heathens and get votes for their candidate. President George W. Bush endorsed Huckabee after finally finding a candidate whose views fit closely with his own.

Several candidates reacted to the Huckabee surge by adopting versions of some of his positions. Hillary Clinton said that her husband Bill is descended from monkeys but she isn't. Barack Obama claimed that he was a monkey when younger but grew out of it. Mitt Romney agreed with Huckabee on relativity and denounced Einstein. Rudy Giuliani insisted that his ancestors were the ones who imprisoned Copernicus, and he assured voters he would do the same. Ron Paul flew a blimp to show that gravity isn't real, though campaign officials denied that the blimp had anything to do with Huckabee.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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