North Pole - In a recent press conference today, NSA officials announced that they have reached an agreement with North Pole representatives allowing the US government to have access to the countless files of information collected by Santa Claus and his associates regarding the naughtiness and niceness of the 6 billion persons inhabiting the planet. Until recently, Mr. Claus has remained steadfastly neutral on the issue of releasing such sensitive information to any government.
"This is definitely a win for the US government, " Director Keith Alexander stated, continuing, "We've known all along that terrorists are clearly naughty, and this tool will finally help us keep tabs on our enemies."
Santa was not available for comment, since the arrangements for the information exchange were made behind closed doors. This has outraged critics of the administration such as ACLU President Nadine Strossen. Said Strossen, "How can we even believe that Mr. Claus has agreed to hand over such sensitive information, since it is clear that the information can easily be used to maintain control over the activities of innocent American citizens."
Unavailable for CommentStill others, who refuse to acknowledge the existence of Santa Claus, such as House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, claim that this is nothing but a ploy by the Bush administration to justify the existing unconstitutional surveillance of the American people.
President Bush responded in a national address by saying: "Anyone who denies the existence of Santa Claus is unamerican and clearly wants the terrorists to win. To know when the enemies of freedom everywhere are sleeping and when they are awake is a matter that is of utmost importance to national security, for goodness' sake."
The North Pole representatives stated that they felt this move to be in the best wishes of citizens everywhere, adding "If you've been nice, then you clearly don't have anything to worry about."
An anonymous naughty citizen worriedly commented that "at least before this alliance, all I had to worry about was getting coal for Christmas. Now I've got to be on my best behavior lest I be sent off to Gitmo."
This has changed, at least in some part, the issues at hand for the 2008 presidential candidates, since the next president will not only be the decider but also the maker and twice checker of a new, more comprehensive, list.