IOWA - Tough guy Dennis Kucinich competes every Friday night in local kickboxing matches. "I use my yoga martial arts training to beat the snot out of my opponent." His tall wife, Elizabeth, first helps give little Dennis a boost up into the ring, and then spends her evening hurling foul-mouthed jeers at the competition while scarfing down fried pork rinds.
(TheSpoof.com reporter Rotten Apple worked out vigorously with all the candidates over the past few weeks in preparation for this news story. As a result of all the unusual exercise, the reporter suffered a massive ruptered hernia and submitted this story from his bed in the Intensive Care ward at the Mayo Clinic.)
Ex-POW John McCain keeps toned up by playing volleyball. "My best move is when I'm spiking the ball. I make believe that Hillary is just on the other side of the net. Then I reach way up high on my tippy-toes and jam that big ball right down her throat." Senator McCain also keeps fit by doing jumping jacks and water boarding every morning before breakfast.
Preacher Mike Huckabee works out his right thumb by vigorously thumping his Bible during every campaign stop. "I want to be strong for Jesus!"
Crafty Hillary Clinton plays dodge ball to keep in shape. "First I move this way, and then I move that way; dodge ball is a sport that just suits my personal political style." Her husband, Bill Clinton, is Hillary's personal coach: "I taught her all the best dodges I ever knew." Senator Clinton is also well known for exercising her vocal chords whenever she is off-camera.
Money-grubbing Mitt Romney keeps up his appearance by practicing good posture. "Whenever I catch myself beginning to slouch, I just ramrod myself straight up and keep thinking pure Morman thoughts." It is long rumored that Gov. Romney carefully studies "The Marie Osmond Workout Video" every evening just before his bedtime prayers. He then changes his pure white Mormon underwear and falls asleep standing up at rigid attention.
Punchy John Edwards boxes to keep in shape. "I like to shadow box with all the corporate interests. I learned how to shadow box while I was making millions of dollars as a personal-injury attorney." Mr. Edwards seems to have a lot of imaginary opponents he wishes to shadow box with.
Smiling Barack Obama maintains his good physical shape by doing drugs. "I just take a few good hits on the old crack pipe before every speech I give. Crack cocaine keeps my mind sharp and body ready for any challenge." Voters now have a sense of why Obama is smiling so much these days.
Hungry Rudy Guiliani rolls meatballs to maintain his buff appearance. "I can go through twenty pounds of ground beef in a fast paced ten-minute workout. There's always more than enough meatballs for all the boys on my crew and for any good fellows who drop in from out of town." None of that phony Olive Garden food for Hizhonor da' Mayor.
Well-rested Fred Thompson takes several naps every day. "A good snooze is what helps me deal with all the stress of running for president." Zzzzzzzzzz.
Self-loathing Bill Richardson uses his massive inferiority complex to stay in shape. "Self-flagellation is the best exercise I know. After I beat the crap out of myself, I go and clean the urinals down at the local Taco Bell, and then I'm all ready for the next debate." You're doing a great job there, Billy!
Reporters for this story chose to ignore Ron Paul. Why start paying attention to him now?