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Saturday, 15 December 2007

image for Right-wing Christians denounce Theory of Relativity
Albert Einstein, who invented Relativity and, we're pretty sure, was behind 9/11

Evolution is no longer the only science under attack by those diagnosed with Fundamentalist Christianity. They have also begun condemning Relativity, or as they call it, "Einsteinism".

Recently President George W. Bush hosted a prayer breakfast at the White House with the theme of "Relativity Makes Jesus Puke". Although God was unable to attend, He appointed President Bush His sole and infallible representative on Earth. [God stripped this title from the Pope in 1996 after John Paul II became Satan's bumboy by accepting Evolution as fact.]

The President explained, "I used to think it was just a coincidence that God always completely agreed with everything I ever said, but now I know it's not. Turns out, I'm officially speaking for the Angry Old Guy With The White Beard! So worship me, pigs!"

Vice President Cheney added, "Thus we have gathered here today the finest minds in the new "Creation Physics" movement. We're here to discuss the urgent need to cleanse America of the scourge of Relativity, which if true would cause the terrorists to win. After all, part of Relativity is gravitation - the very same force which caused all those innocent people to fall to their deaths from the twin Towers on 9/11. So I'll be damned if we'll allow the teaching of a 'science' which helps Al Quaeda!"

The distinguished assembled guests, who represented all different varieties of Fundamentalist Christianity and whiteness, then took the podium to prove the Bible true by attacking Relativity.

Evangelist and Creation Physicist William Dumbski explained it thus: "First off, Relativity is just a theory - Einstein said so hisself. And a theory is only a guess. And it's a wrong guess, 'cuz Relativity ain't mentioned nowhere in the Bible. So Einsteinism has gotta be of Satan. In fact, "scientist" is Latin for "Satanist". Did you know that?

"Besides, it says right here in Einstein's book 'Special Theory of Relativity': 'Time and space are relative to an observer's frame of reference'. He's saying everything's relative! That means there's no right or wrong! Why, if we allow that to be taught in schools, pretty soon people will be think it's okay to murder innocent babies! Meaning of course white Christian American babies, not the brown Muslim foreign babies we gotta murder by the millions to prevent another 9/11."

President Bush nodded grimly. "It can't be just a coincidence that Einstein came out with this relativoid scientismatic stuff in 1907, the same exact year the Commies took over Russia and Hitler bombed Pearl Harbor to start World War I. And did you notice that a lot of Einsteinists are in favor of gay marriage? And keep pointing out how I can't find Osama bin Laden? These Einsteinkleinfein Relativationism believers are just the kind of people Jesus and I strongly disapprove of."

Rev. Billy Bob Schicklgruber of the First Church of Christ, National Socialist, agreed: "That there Einstein feller? He was a Jew. And also a Communist - well, all Jews ARE Commies, but this Einstein more that most 'cuz he was always talkin' about unAmerican subversive stuff like peace and disarmament. So you can't be a real American patriot like me while believin' this Relativity stuff."

Dr. Michael Boohoo of the ReDiscovery Institute said, "Relativity don't make no sense. Like this thing Einstein said about mass increasing and length decreasing with speed. So he's sayin' if you get in your car and drive 80 MPH, you'll suddenly weigh about 900 pounds - AND you'll be flat as a pancake. Skinnier and fatter all at the same time? And atheist scientists expect you to actually believe this bullshit!"

"It gets worse. The Einsteinists claim it took 15 billion years for light to get to Earth from the far side of the universe. And they also say light travels 186,282 miles per second. But that's a total contradiction! Light would have to move almost 2.5 million times faster than that, to go that far in the 6,011 years since God created the universe. Do the math, people!"

"And this stuff Einstein said about 'E=mc2'? 'E' don't equal no 'm' or 'c'! They's completely different letters! And '2' ain't no letter at all! So how can it equal 'E'? Them Einsteinists are so stupid they can't even spell! And what the Relativity believers say about 'conversion of mass into energy' is just pure evil. 'Cause the only conversion God approves of is from one of them off-brand religions to Christianity, which is the only religion God ever named after Himself."

President Bush then resumed the podium: "Now, we're just gonna initiate some mild, sensible measures to ensure America's safety. Such as imposing the death penalty without a trial for anyone caught teaching relativity.

"Plus we've gotta get some court to declare fundamentalist Christianity a science, quick as possible. We tried that with creationism by calling it 'Intelligent Design' but that treasonous Judge John Jones ruled against me, and therefore against God. And my fellow Christians sent Jones a lot of death threats for it, too, which proves how pro-life we are. Who appointed that Satanic traitor Jones a judge in the first place? What? I did? Never mind, then.

"Well, I'm not gonna take any chances on a judge ruling the wrong way next time. That's why to hear the case outlawing relativity I appoint as a federal judge - MYSELF!"

When one stunned reporter questioned whether it was Constitutionally proper for a president to appoint himself as a judge, Bush answered, "Why the fuck not! I appointed myself PRESIDENT, remember?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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