Dana Perino, the White House Press Secretary, at a news conference today in the West Wing announced that President Bush had issued a new Executive Order to combat his Global War on Terror™.
Ms. Perino looked very uncomfortable and nervous as she explained the origins and authorship of the order. She said "The President is always looking for better and more authoritative initiatives to limit terrorists and eventually to defeat them." She indicated that the President had been up all night "scribbling" on White House letterhead and actually had written this by himself, though she said "Laura helped him spell some of the more difficult words, like terrorist, President, and nuclear."
She then handed out copies of the new Executive Order to all reporters present. It is very shocking indeed. It was written by hand and titled "The Bill of Wrongs." Perino stated "The President feels very strongly that the Bill of Rights is not helping us catch terrorists during this greatest war in the history of the universe, and thus this legislative tool will help end this war."
Though barely legible this reporter was able to decode most of it, but the Press Secretary indicated that Laura would try to have it typed by tomorrow. In any event this new "document" is entitled "President George W. Bush's Bill of Wrongs." The preamble reads as follows (I think).
"I, George W. Bush, President of these United States, and Chief War President, and also Chief Decider in order to form a more perfect union, has decided that too many rights accordioned to US citizens must be scaled back to protect our troops and to halt the spread of evil doers that seek to undo all the great things I, I mean us, have done. Just as our four fathers thought about when they came up with the Bill of Rights, right now I have to temporarily undo it, because there are too many rights and not enough wrongs."
The New Executive Order/Bill of Wrongs is as follows.
- It is unlegal to not turn in anyone to the authorities that looks sort of suspicious, and that person that thinks someone is about to do evil doer stuff can hold the evil doer looking person by force.
- It is unlegal for people that were borned into any of the axils of evil to settle in the US, unless they come from Mexico first.
- People from the middle east, or people that look like they are from the middle east, or people that know people from the middle east must have a "Potential Evil Doer Permit" before they can assemble into a group, and must have the Police there to listen and record their goings on, and have no rights to bare arms or other weapons, including weapons of mass destruction.
- "Enforcers of Unlegal Actions" may search anywhere, anytime, anyplace, for any reason if they suspect there might be something rotten going on.
- If any person or persons are found to be a terrorist hellion, jailbird, inciter, dirty dog, sleezeball, wrongdoer, or in general a meanie, they will be immediately court marshaled, then water boarded, shocked, and sent to GITMO.
- If any of my staff, or me, or Dick, Condi, or Scooter (again) commits a crime in the name of stamping out axils of evil we are proexonerated in perpetuity forever.