MINNEAPOLIS, MN - For many, the holiday season is a festive occasion full of revelry and joy, but for losers and rejects, the holidays can be a banquet of pain and misery.
"For most, holiday memories bring a warm sense of nostalgia," said psychologist Ian White. "People remember the joy of dinners with family at Christmas, or celebrations with friends on New Year's Eve."
"For some, though, holiday memories are painful and depressing. The holiday season brings memories of drunken tirades by alcoholic parents, family bickering, New Year's Days bailing fathers out from jail, or opening gift boxes to find socks and underwear. Thankfully my family and I will be vacationing in Fiji, and I won't have to spend my holiday consoling those sad sacks of crap."
The holidays can be especially depressing for loners and social outcasts, who choose to be friendless hermits, spending day and night alone in dark apartments reading fantasy novels or playing on-line RPGs, rather than be cool and sociable.
"The holidays can be a very depressing time for some," said Anne Harber, director of the Minneapolis Depression Call Center. "Our highest volume of calls comes at this time of the year. Of course, we're on holiday, so no one is actually there to receive the calls, but the machine picks them up."
Added Harber, "Seriously, who wants to have their Christmas vacation ruined by having to listen to some loser whine on about how their father was a bastard."
The experts do have some advice for those dorks who find themselves becoming progressively more depressed as the holidays draw near.
"Just think of all those happy people out there laughing, celebrating, and being merry," says Dr. White. "That should brighten your Grinchy mood."