BRIMSTONE, SOUTH CAROLINA - Hoping to prove that lemmings have nothing over most Americans, Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee is working out all the kinks in his Bible thumping routine.
Baptist preacher Mike Huckabee has perfected the art of Bible thumping to the point where he doesn't even wave a copy of the Bible as he skillfully lines up voters for his bid for the Republican nomination. "I'm thumping my invisible Bible," says Huckabee, "because I know that all the same people who voted for George Bush will vote for me!" Christian Conservatives are praying that Mike Huckabee will be an even better president than George Bush.
Sales of the Holy Bible are up in America. Offsetting downward Bible sales trends in countries like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, American Bible publishers are having a record year.
According to a leading Bible publishing trade group, Bible sales tend to rise and fall on a four-year cycle. "We have noticed that Bible sales increase during the year before each presidential election. The Republican National Committee purchases about 97% of all the Bibles; the Bull Moose Party accounts for about 2%; and all the other political parties, churches, and motel chains account for the remaining Bible sales."
Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan has called upon all Republicans running for office to downplay economic policy, education, Social Security, and foreign policy, and instead focus on belief in the Bible. "As long as Republican candidates keep thumping their Bibles, those heathen Democrats won't stand a chance," says Duncan. "It worked for us in the 2000 and 2004 elections when Americans voted for George Bush because he thumped his Bible better and harder than anyone else. Our current crop of Republican candidates are taking the lead of Mike Huckabee, and are trying their best not to be out-thumped. Republicans know that Jesus is on their side and will register as a Republican just as soon as he comes back. Jesus would never vote for any non-Bible-thumping Democrat who is more interested in feeding poor people and offering godless universal health care. Jesus would want even larger tax cuts for the rich."
"It's all right there in the Bible," says Duncan. "Read your Bible, and vote Republican. Jesus will love you!"