In an rare prime-time statement to the masses, our Heavenly Father has declared a 3-month Moratorium on the deaths of famous people in the U.S. effective immediately.
"Everything in moderation," God read in his prepared statement to the United States press. "But this is getting out of hand, people. We are being bombarded day in and day out with prayers requesting that their idols be allowed into Heaven, etc -- and this on top of the day to day requests we must attend to 24 hours a day, and from all over the world!"
Clearly frustrated at the situation all these recent famous deaths have created for the Kingdom of Heaven, God then chastised the Americans more specifically so as to, perhaps, better ram the point home.
"How on earth can We possibly help John in Ohio get a job, or aid Melanie in California in choosing the right boyfriend, or aid Jane in Delaware in fighting off cancer, or aid Frank in North Dakota in beating back toe fungus, or help Jack in Florida in selling his house -- and in this economy?" God railed in His statement. "If We must wade through millions of identical requests for Michael Jackson to enter the Gates of Heaven, for instance, will We be of any help in time to Amy in Rhode Island who must pass her final exams tomorrow!?"
In wrapping up His 22 minute statement to the American people, God also acknowledged that the people weren't completely to blame for Heaven's woes. "Please keep your prayers coming -- We do our best to faithfully abide by each and every request We receive," God reassured the masses. "We merely ask that you all use some discretion when praying for the very famous as this massive duplication of effort on the parts of thousands upon thousands of people is just killing Us up here."