Written by NorseHorse
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Topics: Washington, Holiday

Thursday, 1 April 2004

image for President Proclaims April 1st National Holiday: Grants Amnesty to nearly all white-collar criminals
President Bush bites his tongue, as his mother told him to whenever he got the urge to say something he would certainly catch hell for from her later.

Washington, D.C. -- April 1, 2004

During a press conference with reporters today President George W. Bush announced certain far-reaching proclamations and executive orders.

First in order, President Bush proclaimed April 1st a federal holiday, announcing that he has directed that all federal agencies, buildings and monuments to close for the day.

President Bush simply stated that he wanted to set an example for the business and corporate community, as he is asking business, corporate and political leaders across the country to follow suite, honoring April 1st as a national holiday and giving employees the day off.

"We ask a lot of our hard working taxpaying citizens, this is but a small show of our appreciation for all they do on the job and in their daily lives, especially as they are being over-taxed by Congress," the President stated.

With the closure of school in honor of this particular national holiday, "for those with families, it will also give them another day to spend with their children and other family members, nothing can be more important in my opinion," President Bush said.

President Bush also mentioned that "it is my hope that besides having yet another day to go shopping and thus helping the economy, citizens across the land will take at least an hour out during the day to stop whatever they are doing and use it to pray for this nation, but most especially that God provide me with the wisdom I am in great need of as the Commander in Chief of our armed forces."

"Maybe God will listen to the urgent prayers of ordinary citizens across our country in this regard, because the Good Lord seems not to have answered my daily prayers, so far anyway," the President added in obvious frustration.

The President also used the press conference to announce that he is granting amnesty to nearly all white-collar criminals whom have either been already convicted of crimes or are currently on trial for crimes.

The one exception he made was for Martha Stewart, who he stated needed to be set as an example for the rest of us who may otherwise get the wrong idea.

"In granting amnesty to nearly all white-collar criminals, except for Martha Stewart, I hope to send a strong message that such crimes and deceit will not be tolerated. Yet with the business and corporate climate the way it is during this time, we need business and corporate leaders at the helm of business, not rotting in prison at taxpayers' expense," the President said.

The President declined to take questions from the members of the press in attendance and quickly left the room. According to several White House staff, whom each made individual statements on condition of anonymity, he did so in order to go pray.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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