Madison, Wisconsin (Reuterus) - A scant fortnight after describing his trip down an aisle of rifles, shotguns and pistols at a gun show in South Carolina as "a day in paradise", Republican presidential hopeful Fred Thompson has distanced himself from all other Republican contenders by running as "The Gun Guy".
"I love guns," he said at a recent press conference with his new campaign song 'Da Turdy Point Buck' by novelty group Bananas At Large playing in the background. "Big guns, little guns, short guns, tall guns..." he continued.
He soon meandered into song (humming a few bars of 'My Favorite Things' from The Sound of Music):
- Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Misguided youths running round with assault weapons
Innocent lives lost for no good reason
Wish I had been here in time for deer season...
...When the dog bites
When the urge strikes
When I'm feeling sad
I simply pull out my Glock nine millimeter
And then I don't feel so bad!
Despite the fact that his wife is a "hottie", most experts agree that Thompson stands only a snowball's chance in hell of getting near the US presidency. That is -- unless he partners with someone who can deliver the elusive 'Slingshot Vote' and the even more finicky 'Knife Vote'.