Written by Armedus Chunsky
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Saturday, 24 November 2007

image for Former SCHIP Recipients Form Paper Routes
Doctors will try to locate your heart. Tell them that you, like America's vice president, refuse on moral grounds.

Do you remember when you were young and needed a little extra cash to pay for that critical operation? Well, now that children that are no longer receiving SCHIP, they are finding it easier and easier to earn a little extra money to pay their health insurance bills. By taking up paper routes these sick children have demonstrated that you are never too weak to pick yourself up from your bootstraps.

These children understand that most people give a little extra support to a person in need. Just don't show up at Pennsylvania Avenue where you will be escorted off the premises for reasons of National Security. There is really no way of knowing if uninsured children who knock on the white house door are collecting money as a front for Al Qaeda.

Now some people may argue that children with broken legs or respiratory ailments, for example, would not be able to operate bicycles. Nonsense. This is a perfect opportunity for children to pull their immobile legs up from their bootstraps. Just snap the bone back into place and get back in the game. Bo Jackson did this and look at where he is now, regarded and one of the best running backs in NFL history. That could be you!

Now for some reason sob stories about former SCHIP recipients make cry baby Americans feel a pain in the depths of their souls. The problem is that stories about the uninsured children are published in newspapers everyday. What about the uninsured children who are making names for themselves? Why don't the papers print inspirational stories like the one about the kid with a shattered pelvis having the determination to run a paper route to pay for their surgery? These stories would be worth printing, but the left wing media is on the attack once again.

For the first time in our nation's history a child's first vehicle will be a bicycle, not a welfare mother's brand new Rolls Royce. These kids need to learn the value of a dollar, even if it costs them an arm and a leg. Hey! I have health care for them: it's called a band-aid.

I praise our president for vetoing SCHIP in order to fund the Iraq War. Sure a few left wing pundits don't understand why the right wing radio crusaders are attacking children who support SCHIP. It's basically because the people on the left have feelings, feelings which can lead to having socialized medicine. But they are feelings, nothing but feelings. It is better not to feel a thing: this will make it easier to bicycle with broken bones and unspeakable diseases.

So don't just peddle bicycles, peddle talking points. When someone asks you how you can support the president's veto, tell them that if they do not support the president one hundred percent than they are un-American. Go back to Cuba, Castro. And above all, be vigilant and defend your position until you take your final wheeze. These children should have paid heed to the poster which read, "Broken Hips Sink SCHIP." That poster is hanging in my office right next to the cast I never wore to remind me that even after suffering a broken wrist life does indeed go on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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