GOLDEN VALLEY, MN - For years, parents have believed what they were giving their children for breakfast were completely innocent, nutritious, and healthy, sugar-laden cereals. Anti-drug activists, however, have revealed that those naive parents were dangerously wrong.
"The mascots for these breakfast cereals encourage children to experiment with dangerous drugs like marijuana and caffeine," said Debby Smith, a mother and anti-drug campaigner.
Smith joined other concerned citizens and members of People Refusing to Use Drugs such as Ecstasy - or PRUDE - to protest breakfast cereal mascots outside of General Mills headquarters in Golden Valley.
"Apparently the hippie dope-heads that make these sugary treats have been slinging their drug slogans right under our very noses for years," said PRUDE member Don Hoyt. "When that bird was talking about being 'cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs' he was actually referring to puffing marijuana cigarettes laced with cocaine."
According to PRUDE, breakfast cereals were invented by, and are distributed and marketed by drug addicts, who crave sugary treats whilst high on the smack.
PRUDE has compiled a list of drug slogans which have been slithered their way into popular culture via breakfast food mascots. The list of mascots and drug slogans includes the following:
- The Rice Krispies elves, who chime, "Snap, Crackle, and Pop." A thinly veiled reference to the sound made by methamphetamine while it is being 'cooked'.
- Kellogs' Tony the Tiger, who shouts, "They're gr-r-reat," which is an utterly obvious reference to needles full of heroin.
- Trix cereal. The 'x' in the name is a clear reference to ecstasy, or 'X', as it is referred to in drug circles. The company's ads also include a drug-crazed rabbit lustfully chasing children in an attempt to get their 'Trix'. In addition, it has been suggested that the rabbit may also be a pedophile, which wouldn't be surprising for a depraved drug addict.
- The Froot Loops cocaine-fiend Toucan Sam who encourages children to "Follow your nose." Undoubtedly to a large pile of cocaine and a slew of prostitutes.
- Cap'n Crunch, who screams, "Get me some more f*cking heroin before the Soggies eat my brain."
According to PRUDE, parents should boycott breakfast cereals and protest against the dope-heads that make them.
PRUDE advises parents that are in search of a drug-free alternative to breakfast cereals to try Quaker oatmeal, which is endorsed by pop-icon and anti-drug activist Lindsay Lohan.