Written by Deanna Goodson
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Topics: John Kerry, Senator

Wednesday, 31 March 2004

As some of you may be aware, Senator John Kerry is married to a member of the Heinz ketchup family, Teresa Heinz. The couple maintains that it is a match made of love and mutual respect. They also say they have nothing to do with the ketchup company.

"It's her family's company. She's got to have something to do with it. Puh-lease. Those two are such pains in the rump." Catty Worcestershire said today from her factory.

"They are so fake. Everyone in the food business knows he just married her for the ketchup fortune. It's so sick. They make the food industry look so 'artificial.' We really need honest people to 'preserve' our legacy."

Spoofers, you be the judge. This reported decided to get to the heart of the matter. Yes. Is Kerry a Heinz...Ketchup lover or not?

"Well, when he comes in for fries and a burger, 'cuz he eats like an American, yes he does, that one, he specifically asks for the Heinz ketchup. Always," Paddy O'Sheilaleigh, the proprietor of Donnegal Fish, Chips N' Stiffs (Drinks that is) said. However, he looked around quite nervously.

A pretty old barmaid and waitress interjected. "That's not exactly true. He uses A-1 Steak Sauce on his burger, Hellmann's Mayo on his club sandwiches and prefers Hunt's ketchup, but don't tell anyone you heard it from me."

The waitress further went on to say that one time she may have overheard Senator Kerry say, "Heinz food products suck. I just married the old bat for her money." She wasn't sure because her hearing aid wasn't turned up all the way that day.

Stay tuned to the Spoof for more information on this breaking news.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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