Written by Rotten Apple
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Thursday, 22 November 2007

image for Detroit: Best Retirement Destination in America
a Detroit retiree on his way to the corner store

In spite of Detroit's recent honor of being declared the most dangerous city in America, new poll of Salt Lake City prostitutes lists Detroit as the premier destination for retired people. The good news was most welcome by Detroit Police Chief Ella Bully-Cummings who said, "In Detroit, we salute anyone who makes it to old age without being murdered."

Several factors work in Detroit's favor as a good retirement community:

  1. The decline of the Detroit automobile manufacturing base. With thousands of laid off autoworkers, many are finding themselves suddenly retired at a very young age; and these people choose to stay right in Detroit!
  2. Affordable housing. The southwest side of Detroit has many abandoned apartments in which anyone can just move in and fix up.
  3. Low crime rate. The city of Detroit has the lowest rate of crime in several categories. For instance, not a single painting by an old Dutch master was stolen during the entire first half of 2005.
  4. Excellent medical care. Retired people can get reasonably priced drugs nearly anyplace in the city.
  5. Safe streets for seniors. With the advent of direct bank deposit, fewer and fewer seniors are mugged for their social security checks.
  6. Low energy costs. Detroit's retirees have learned that wearing five or four six sweaters can reduce home heating bills.

So, while many would warn that Detroit is a good bet for someone getting murdered in, it is also one of the best places in America to just go and die.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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