WASHINGTON - The chairmen of the Democratic and Republican parties announced today an agreement in which both parties would hold nationwide primary elections on the same day. At a news conference held in the restroom of a popular Georgetown bar, Democrat Howard Dean and Republican Mike Duncan shook hands and hugged each other closely. With several dozen reporters sitting on urinals and toilets, Dean and Duncan outlined their landmark agreement:
- On July 4th preceding each presidential election year all American voters will cast their ballot for the candidate of their choice--on the same day.
- The two winning nominees would then have four months to campaign against each other before the general election in early November.
- All of the losing primary and general election candidates would be immediately taken into custody and thrown into an active volcano.
After much flushing of urinals and toilets, Wolf Blitzer was allowed to ask several questions.
Wolf Blitzer: "Governor Dean, why did you choose July 4th?"
Howard Dean: "Well Wolf, I'm glad you asked that question."
Wolf Blitzer: "Mr. Duncan, do you believe four months is enough time for Republicans to mount an adequate Swift Boat campaign?"
Mike Duncan: "We can do it in two."
Wolf Blitzer: "I think all Americans like the idea of tossing all the losers into an active volcano. Just look how much trouble we would have saved ourselves if Richard Nixon had thrown into a volcano in 1960 when he lost to Kennedy. Just knowing you might be tossed into a volcano would tend to spice up the candidate debates as well. But Governor Dean, since you lost in the last primary, I think we need to get started by throwing you in first.
Howard Dean: "Eeeeeeeeee Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
After the press conference, many radio talk shows were inundated with phone calls from thousands of people in favor of volcanos.